Smooth Sailing

I sometimes use my blog to vent and complain. Luckily this skill has helped me fit in in England since complaining (or moaning) is a national pastime. However, my life is going extremely well at the moment and thought that it might be worth reflecting on some of the very positive events that have been happening lately.

Work: I have been very busy at work the past few weeks. I was getting too efficient at doing just my job and now I am helping to cover for two other people’s job while they are on holiday and sick leave! I’m still at the bottom at the totem pole and need to work really hard to prove myself. I think its working and I’m being given more freedom and responsibility. I’m also in charge of projects that will be shown when special guests come for tours of our department. I really like the people on my team and I like my days off but I look forward to going to work now. I’ve been given permission to work another day per week – so now I’m on four days per week while I’m helping cover for other people. I also got another job, as a youth worker at a local youth centre in the evenings but that won’t start until September. It’s a little bit uncertain working in the government and major cuts are happening. I’m really hoping that I will still have a place there in September once some cuts have been made and people are re-shuffled.

Travel: I am trying to make the most of living in Europe and being so close to so many countries. I went to Amsterdam with my friend Adrienne who lives is Canadian but lives in Germany and is moving back to Canada at the end of August. We realized that we have actually travelled to quite a few places together: Germany, Vienna, Arizona, England and now Amsterdam. The trip was very fun. I love all of the history in European cities. I won’t go into too much detail but we did venture to Red Light District and checked out a few coffee shops.

Matt and I also have a lot of travel plans for the next year. The first weekend in September, we are planning to go to either Devon or Cornwall on the coast in England. There’s a plan for a sun holiday in early October to either Turkey or Spain. Next year for my birthday we’re looking at going to Italy. So much to look forward to!

Visitors: I am very excited about the visitors that are planning to come and see me. First up is Mandy (my non-sexual lesbian life partner). She’s going to be here at the end of August and it will have been almost a whole year since we’ve seen each other. We used to live a few blocks away from each other in Vancouver, which meant that we saw each other all the time. Then she went and moved to Kelowna and I went and moved to England.

My mom is planning to come in the middle of October for 10 days. I can’t wait to show her my life here and introduce her to Matt’s family. Hopefully she’s planning to travel without her puppets or other practical jokes…

Matt and me: we survived our first real fight and in a way I’m actually really glad. Fighting and not speaking for a day was not fun at all but it brought to the light some real issues that needed to be dealt with. Neither of us has lived with a partner before and so we are muddling through together trying to sort out grown-up relationship stuff like budgets and chores. I trust in myself and in him and the knowledge that we want the same things. This is my first grown-up relationship where a fight doesn’t equal a break-up and you can feel anger and love just as intensely and sometimes at the same time. It’s wonderful, confusing, frustrating and exciting but I’m happy and in love with him.

Health: Awhile back I mentioned that I had given up wheat, dairy and sugar and had lost a bit of weight. I became frustrated when I was eating so well and the weight wouldn’t budge so I decided to see a nutritionist for some advice and support. She’s works at a holistic health centre and has made some very helpful suggestions that seem to have made a big difference. I’ve also become (except for eggs) basically a vegan. The focus tens to be on what you can’t eat instead of what you can. I’ve been creative and read recipes online all the time. My body seems to have responded really well and I’ve been feeling really good. I’ve been trying my best to be realistic and in my gym attendance and now that we have a Nintendo Wii – I can work out at home. That’s not a cop-out the Wii fit is actually really tough!

I’m finally starting to feel settled here. I still miss my old life in Canada but I’m enjoying my new life in England more each day.

Matt Meets the Fam

Due to the slightly unusual circumstances of my first few weeks of dating Matt (which at the time I wasn't even sure if we were dating...), he didn't meet the majority of my family. We only knew each other for a few weeks before he went back to England. We met in Vancouver and more than half of my family lives in Calgary.

When I took Matt to meet my mom (after him and I had only hung out about a handful of times), I warned him that no matter what I said to him it would not adequately prepare him for what may or may not happen over the course of the next few hours. It was my birthday and I wanted to see my mom and since Matt was spending the day with me, he was coming to meet her too. My warning proved all too accurate when she told us that she had been practicing her ventriloquist skills and would we like to see her dummies?? It should be explained that when my mom finished her PhD she decided to go in a slightly different direction for a break and took up ventriloquism. Its always been weird and creepy. My mom and I visited (pre-dummies) while Matt watched tv. When we left, I asked him what he thought and he responded 'well, at least she's madder than you!' Really that was the best that I could have hoped for.

Matt also met my younger sister during those first few weeks. We lived together at the time but his assessment of her was that he had only seen her briefly and she was usually getting ready to go out. She came to stay with us for a few days in March of this year. They got a little bit more time to get to know each other although I had to translate most of what he was saying. He keeps claiming that he doesn't have an accent!

As our trip to Canada got closer, I embarked on a project of preparing Matt to meet the rest of my family. First we were going to Vancouver and he would be staying with my mom and her husband Jeff. We would be hanging out with My Vancouver family including my aunt, my uncle, cousins and grandma. My Vancouver family can get a bit silly and has been known to tell dirty jokes. I also repeatedly told Matt that my dad was the glue of the family. Each of his 4 kids talk to him minimum once a day through e-mail, skype or text. I was slightly nervous for him since he had to meet SO many people all at once. While Matt, ever the calm and collected one didn't seem phased by it at all.

I also told him what comments might be offensive, that he couldn't be rude and that most importantly he should be himself.

First up was my Vancouver family. My mom and uncle kept asking Matt to repeat and say things because they liked how it sounded with his accent. Then they were repeating it in their version of his accent. Although Matt re-assures me that the evening was fine and not embarrassing, I wasn't so sure. I'm used to my family and all of our eccentricities. I'm not ashamed or embarrassed of anyone but I just wasn't sure how we would appear to Matt who comes from the most normal family that I've ever met.

My mom really liked/likes Matt. She told me how nice he seems and that its obvious to her how much he cares about me. She always asks about him when we chat.

I loved being in Vancouver with Matt. Going to my favourite restaurants, having breakfast with my mom, visiting the beach and being with my friends. And driving!! It was so nice to be able to drive and know where I was going. Since living in England, our lives have basically revolved around Matt's life, his friends and his family. I don't say this with any resentment but matter-of-factly. I moved here not knowing many people and I've had 8 months to build a live here while Matt has had 28 (almost 29) years of having a life here. Being together in Canada meant that we got to do basically everything that I wanted to do. Clearly the way that it should be!

In Calgary, Matt was about to be bombarded with Goldsteins, McAllisters and Hansons. First up was my dad and his now wife Shelley. We had driven from Nelson to Calgary and had stopped for dinner in Banff. I was so excited to see my dad and to be back in my old house. There have been a few renovations and a few new tenants but it will always be my home because I grew up and spent 22 years of my life there. We spent some time chatting and visiting. My dad had no trouble with his accent.

We were up early the next day. Keep in mind at that time, England was still in the World Cup and with the time difference kick off was at 8:00 am. That afternoon, some of Shelley's kids and their boyfriends/girlfriends arrived and we had a small family dinner. Small being a relative term since there were 9 of us there and many siblings were missing. We finished dinner and moved over to Christine's house - my best friend, former room mate and non-sexual life partner.

Christine has been my best friend since we were 18. She's the kind of friend where it doesn't matter how much time has passed we can pick up and be right where we left off. I got to see here new house and she got to meet my Matt. I'm so proud of her for being so grown-up and buying her own house with her friend Kelsey. Although we only had two short days to spend time together, I loved every minute! I also spent time with her and her boyfriend. Christine and I haven't both had boyfriends at the same time since we were 18. While I don't need really need anyone's stamp of approval for my relationships, it was still nice to get some positive feedback from a person who knows me so well.

After leaving Christine's house, we went back to my dad's house to meet my older sister and my youngest niece, Baby Violet. The plan was to pick up lunch and meet up with my nephew Kade for his end of school picnic. We brought him a meatball sub. Before we left the house, Matt got some insight into how much work babies are when we had to put the car seat and the stroller in the car!

Kade's picnic was hilarious. He's such a popular 7 year old and needed to say hello and visit every other kids picnics. He ran around and played football - it is a spanish school after all. Next stop was the zoo. We took the train to avoid traffic and parking issues. Taking two small children to the zoo is quite a workout! Pushing the stroller and pulling Kade in a wagon. Kade is too smart for his auntie and felt the need to correct me when I pointed out a turtle (he let me know it was actually a tortoise). Matt was a pretty good sport about being a two child family for the afternoon. He's still a little bit unsure of how to hold a squirming baby.

That night was the start of the wedding weekend festivities. Matt was about to meet everyone else: my older sister's husband and my other niece and nephew, my brother and his wife and their son and Shelley's sister and husband. I warned Matt that when my family gets together there is usually enough food for everyone to eat thirds and there will still be leftovers. I told him to wear his eating clothes. Kade was the star of the BBQ giving tours of the barn and the garden. I seriously love that kid.

On Saturday, I spent the morning with my sister Carie and we went to a fundraiser workout class. it was my first experience at Zumba. It was sweaty but really fun. Matt ended up playing golf with my brother. I wasn't sure how they would get along but they ended up having a really good day together.

That night was dinner for all of the out of town guests. Read: more family for Matt to meet. All of the siblings were in attendance. There are four kids in my family and Shelley has four kids. that's not including spouses or girlfriends and boyfriends. The dinner that night was lovely. Great food, seeing my relatives and just hanging out with everyone.

Sunday was the wedding. Before everything got underway, I was feeling a little bit strange. maybe a little overwhelmed. I was looking forward to the wedding because I really do like Shelley and loved the idea of the wedding taking place in the backyard. My dad had asked me a few days prior if I would walk him down the aisle with my younger sister Kylie. I burst out crying when he asked me. I was honoured and of course said yes.

The weather was perfect for the day. We had a series of family photos with the professional photographer and I knew that this was not going to be fun for Matt. He was allowed in one of the pictures though when we did a big group shot. Hopefully I won't have to scratch his face out of the picture at a later date...(Kidding - only kidding!)

In addition to meeting all my family, Matt now got to meet friends of the family. Everyone wanted to know what he did and what our life was like together in England. A few people even told me how handsome they thought he was. Always nice to hear. When we were leaving to head back to my sister's house later in the day, one of my dad's friend told Matt that 'he better take care of their girl'. Again, really nice to hear.

I was not looking forward to the airport goodbye with my dad. I had already had the emotional airport good bye with my dad 8 months earlier when I moved. I thought that I was holding it together until we actually hugged at the gate and he started telling me that he though Matt was a good guy and we seemed very happy together. My dad has never liked anyone that I have dated so this was a huge deal having him tell me that he liked Matt. At this point I was on the verge of sobbing and it really was time to go through the gate. At least Matt was there to hold my hand.

He survived meeting my loud, funny, obsessed with food and all around amazing family. I moved to another country to live with a man who my family had either never or barely met. I hope now, after meeting him, they can see why I made that choice.

Watching Your Parents Re-Marry

My parents separated at the same time that I moved to Vancouver and began my Master's degree. At that time, all I could think about was how much better and easier everything would be if they got back together. It was almost impossible for me to imagine a happy life for both of my parents that did not involved being married to each other and us being a family.

A very wise friend of mine gave me some powerful advice that has only truly become meaningful over the past few months. She told me that the day would come when I would be fine with my parent's divorce. I would also be fine with them dating and possibly marrying other people. I might even learn to like and love their new spouses. I was adamant that she was wrong. I thanked her for her well meaning advice and dismissed it thinking it may have been applicable to her other friends but not to me, not my family.

I watched both my parents go through extremely sad and lonely phases once they were apart. I don't think I (or my siblings) have ever felt as helpless as watching our parents suffer and feeling like there was nothing that we could do to fix it. I had to accept that it was not my problem to fix and that my parents were adults and capable of taking care of themselves. They began to heal in different ways and began to date new people.

The news of first dates from either parent was met with extreme awkwardness. I wanted to be supportive but I still hadn't completely worked out how I felt about them being apart and now they were moving on to date new people. A part of me wanted to know the details but the other part of me wanted to block the whole thing out. I know that both my mom and dad wanted their children to be comfortable with them dating and moving on into new relationships. They both emphasized how important their relationship was with their children and that it came first before any potential new partner.

I will admit that I did not behave in the most mature of fashions when my mom had a new boyfriend. When he was going to be at her house, I would make sure that I wasn't. If I knew she had plans with him, I would plans with her for another day. It wasn't anything personally against him, I wasn't ready to handle the situation yet. As time went on, I got to know him, even working at his office a few times when I was in between jobs. When my mom told me that they were planning to get married, I was still hesitant. I asked her if this is what she really wanted. She said it was. I decided that the best and grow-up daughter decision was to be supportive to my mom.

My mom got re-married in May 2009. Her wedding was on a Sunday. The Friday before the wedding, my apartment was broken into and my lap top stolen. Then the Tuesday after the wedding, I was leaving to go travelling in Europe and Israel for four months. Her wedding day was a very emotional one for me. I was happy for her but in a way it felt strange because I thought, aren't I supposed to be getting married next? It was a small wedding and all of my siblings were there.

I found out about my dad's first date with his now wife through her daughter who I went to high school with. The Jewish community in Calgary is very small and it doesn't take long for word to get out. When I asked him about it he told me that he had planned to tell me about it. I suppose parents are entitled to some privacy in their dating lives. My dad continued to assure me throughout the beginning of their relationship that his children were still number one and that we would always have a place in his home. When he told me that she was moving in to our house and that they were getting married, I was genuinely thrilled. In part because it meant that my beloved childhood home wasn't going to be sold right away.

The first time that I met my dad's then girlfriend, it was obvious that they were a good fit. They both liked to organize things, have shabbat dinners and yell at the tv. It was great to see my dad so happy but a small part of me felt sad because he hadn't been that happy with my mom in a long time.

The trip to Canada was planned around my dad's wedding which was on the second last day before coming back to England. The wedding was a full weekend event with a BBQ, pre-wedding night dinner and the actual wedding taking place in our backyard. After being away from my family for 7 months, it felt so good just to hang out with my everyone and be with "my people". Again, the wedding day was emotional but it was obvious to everyone there just how happy the two of them were.

When my parents re-married new partners, I gained a few step-siblings. I now have 2 sisters, 1 brother, 1 sister-in-law, 1 brother-in-law, 4 step-sisters and 2 step-brothers plus 5 nieces and nephews! We're a big family and only getting bigger!

I think that I have now adjusted to the concept of my parents being married to people who aren't each other hasn't been a quick or pain-free journey to get to this place. I still remember how I felt when they told me they were splitting up and the difficult months that followed. But now it seems that both my parents have found happiness and I couldn't be happier for them.

New Job!!

In the 6 months that I've been here, I've started 4 new jobs. I'm really hoping that this new one sticks. My first day was last Tuesday, I was excited but didn't know what to expect. In a way, it's good that I've started so many jobs because I'm used to the first few days being disorganized and chaotic.

The team that I'm working with is called intensive supervision and surveillance program (ISSP). This is for young people who have either committed very serious offences or have already been given multiple chances. This program is the last option before being given a custodial sentence (prison). I'm also going to be responsible for organizing driver's to pick the young people up and take them to their program. This is the one aspect of the job that worries me a little bit only because I still don't really know the area that I live in that well. Google maps and I are going to become fast friends.

My first day was mostly reading through case files, learning a bit about the computer systems and attending some meetings. On my second day, I went to the Woking Magistrate's court for youth court. It was an extremely interesting day. I can't go into too much detail about the court cases. They were fairly minor offences for the most part but one young person was remanded to custody by the end of the court day. My third day, I had to travel to another office on the other side of the county. I can get into to London in half the time it takes me to to get to Leatherhead. At this office, I was introduced to more people and got to make a few of the timetables.

I feel like there are so many good opportunities and that I'm on the brink of a really great job in the field that I want to work in. Everyone has been so nice and encouraging. My goal now is to do a great job and show them that they were right to give me a chance and that as time goes on they will give me more responsibilities.

Very Good Fortune

It's been an interesting two weeks. Sometimes I am taken by complete surprise and gratitude when it comes to my life and how events unfold.

I've mentioned in previous posts that I've started a volunteer job with Surrey Youth Justice Services as a community panel member. I thought that it was a good way to meet some new people and make a few connections in the youth justice world. After the volunteer training concluded, the co-ordinator scheduled one-on-one follow up meetings with each of us.

When I arrived for my meeting, she said to me 'don't get too excited but I might have a job opportunity for you'. Of course I got excited! She told me that one of the departments (ISSP, intensive supervision and surveillance program) was looking for a support worker to work tuesday, wednesday and thursday. Young people who are on ISSp have to account for 25 hours of their week. My role would be to create their timetables, co-ordinate with their youth justice officer and schedule their programs (i.e. anger management, substance misuse counselling etc). She said that this role would also allow me to do other sessional work on the other days of the week. Most importantly it was a way in with the council and with a department that is very difficult to get into it.

This all sounded amazing! The only downside? I had just started my new temp role at proctor and gamble. The role (as with most of my 'temp' jobs) was very involved and technical. P & G is a high security company and in order to use any of their computer systems, you have to get so many passwords and get trained on each system. I felt so lost trying to figure out what I was going to be doing. Everyone seemed like they were speaking in code because there are thousands of acronyms for everything. I used to go to the supermarket and buy some shampoo and never think twice about the packaging or the buy 2 get 1 free deals. Now I was involved in the behind the scenes of how those products went from idea to the store.

I was so happy at the prospect of this new role but I didn't want to screw over the new people that I was working with. My other big concern was that Matt's dad works for Proctor and Gamble. That's how I found out that they were looking for temps and how I knew the right people to call and get an interview. I didn't want to embarrass him or cause any problems for him since he still works there.

As usual, I completely over reacted and misjudged the situation. Matt's dad was very supportive and told that I needed to do what was right for me. When I told my manager that I would be leaving, she thanked me for being open and honest and said that it sounded like a really great opportunity. Everyone one me team said that they were disappointed to see me go but knew that they couldn't hold me back from a job that I had studied for and that was in my field. I thought that the people who trained me would be irritated that I had wasted their time. Instead, I got a nice e-mail saying it had been a pleasure working with me and thanking me for my support. I also got a gift bag of products as a parting gift! They also told me that if the new job didn't work out, I could come back whenever I wanted. I'm still blown away by how well I was treated.

On Tuesday after work, I went to meet with my future manager to discuss the details of my new job. This was the first time that I had ever been offered a job without applying and without an interview. He told me more details about the role and said that he was happy to give me this opportunity to work with young people since he knew that I had been trying to get involved since I had come to the U.K. The job is less days per week but pays more then my temp job. My contract is only sessional and will be up for review in september. I figure that if I made that good of an impression in two weeks at Proctor & Gamble, I will make an even better impression working in the new job for three months. Especially since I'll actually know what I'll be talking about!

I also got a phone call on Tuesday from another job that I had applied for a few weeks ago to be a teaching assistant. I felt like I was drowning in good fortune. It had gone from no prospects and almost giving up to having two job and an interview. I had to withdraw my application for the teaching assistant job but its for an even better job.

Six months to the day of arriving in England, I was offered a youth justice job. I think that's pretty amazing. I'm starting to feel like myself again. I'm willing to admit that since moving here, I have felt a little bit lost and questioned my decision to move. I have spent way too much time worrying about how it was all going to work out. I now have a job, a volunteer job and I'm starting to have my own group of friends. All of those things are helping me build up some of the independence and confidence that had begun to fade a little bit.

I start the new job on Tuesday. I'll have two weeks of working before going back to Canada. I'm even more excited about my trip now knowing that I get to come back to England to a great job that I want to do. I have been feeling so fortunate and grateful in the job department. I'm also proud of myself for not giving up and being persistent.

Life as a Non-Driver

There were many things that I worried about before I moved to England. I knew that I would miss my friends (a lot!) and my family (even more) and that I might struggle a bit to find work (I was right about that one). None of these worries were that overwhelming. I repeated the mantra of 'it would be fine, I will be fine' and managed to get on the plane and get through the past six months. Of all of the things that I pre-emptively worried about before I came over, driving was not an area that received very much attention.

I can now see that I completely took for granted driving and having my own car. I think about all of the jobs and events that I had no issue getting to because I knew that I could look it up on google map and though I would most likely still get lost, eventually, I would reach my destination. Since I have moved here I have barely driven and only twice outside of the driver's ed car. I assumed that if I tried hard enough, had enough practice I would be able to do it. I knew that I could drive already so learning to drive a manual couldn't be that hard surely...

After many hours of lessons, many pounds invested and countless tears I have decided to end the madness (for now). I have agonized over this decision and have made the requisite pros and cons list and rationalized to the full extent of my abilities. I now HATE driving, I dread my lessons and feel a sense of relief when I get out of the car and I am terrified of roundabouts. I'm not really convinced that any amount of lessons is going to change that. I also never have the chance to practice because a. Matt is never here and b. I'm not insured/not insurable.

The next possible option that is being explored is Matt is going to rent an automatic car for a weekend so I can test out if the problem is driving a manual or more about the traffic and being on the other side of the road. If I can do it then Matt might look into getting a company car that's an automatic. I still might not be able to get insured on that plan. It would seem that my fate is to live in England as a non-driver. Other than not being able to go to the big grocery store on my own and possibly not be eligible for a few jobs I'm not sure there are that many drawbacks. At least not driving is environmentally friendly!

Trying to Keep Things in Perspective

Where has the last three weeks gone? Despite having some significant events take place, I haven't done a very good job of staying on top of my blog.

So what's been going on?

1. Matt and I have gone on a few day/weekend trips. The first one was to Brighton which is about an hour and a bit away. Road trips in Europe are very different than Canadian ones. I'm still preparing Matt for the very long car journey from Vancouver to Calgary. Brighton is on the seaside so we checked out the pier, had lunch in a really tasty vegetarian restaurant and debated but ultimately decided against going on the rides. We also went to Wiltshire (between Stonehenge and Bath) where our friends Dave and Kim live. They invited us and another couple (Steve and Amanda) up for the weekend to see their new house. I had such a great time and discovered that my Wii sports skills have expanded from just bowling to include skiing. I was told that skiing must be in my blood because I'm Canadian. We went into Bath but only briefly. From the little bit that I saw, I would really like to go back there for a whole weekend. I feel like I'm getting to see more of England and not just the major tourist spots.

2. While finding a job in my field has been slow going, obtaining a volunteer job was comparatively easy. After a brief interview, I was chosen to be a community panel member with Surrey Youth Justice. In England, when young people get sentenced in court, they are often put on a referral order which is similar to probation in that they will be supervised but it focuses more on restorative justice (making amends, repairing harm) and dealing with some of the young person's issues that may have led to the offence. It was an intense 6 day training course over 3 weeks. I learned a lot and also made a few new friends who actually live near me. I'm full of nervous excitement about the upcoming panel meetings where I will have to put all the training into practice. I might not be making money but I am making good contacts and gaining more experience working with young people.

3. I got a temp-perm job at proctor and gamble through another temp agency. Today was my first day but I was sent home early for being naughty...kidding - my lap top wasn't working and I couldn't do any work so they said they would have it sorted out by tomorrow when I return. I have mixed feelings about this new job. On the one hand, its a good job with a reputable company and its relatively close by. On the other hand, I feel like its not at all related to my field or education and I worry about all the time they will put into training me while I'm still actively looking and applying for other jobs...I can't say too much about working there because I signed a confidentiality agreement.

3a. A new job in an office means that I need work appropriate clothes. This is a constant problem for me. I hate clothes shopping because I have a weird body shape that does not fit into regular clothes: I have really short legs (i.e. even the petite sized clothes have to be shortened), my waist and legs are two different sizes and I can't wear any tops that have buttons...I've dragged Matt shopping with me a few times but I need to go back and try to find a few pieces that I like.

4. As I have previously mentioned, I am prone to major meltdowns that often lead to breakthroughs. One such event occurred on Thursday. I was at the training session and one of the training leaders was explaining how she got into her role. She told us about her education and the qualifications that a person would need to do her role. After listening to her I felt very discouraged because it seemed like all of my qualifications were wrong. In Canada, having a degree in the field and some work experience seems to be enough to get you a job. In England they are REALLY specific about the type of training and qualifications that they want you to have. I decided to go shopping after the training - possibly the worst idea (see 3a) and went home in tears.

All I could think was I had moved here and knew that the move was not for career gain. At the time that I made the decision, I was fine with it. Or at least fine enough with it to come over here and see what would happen. Now I'm starting to get frustrated that I spent all this time, energy and money on my education and building contacts and working and volunteering and then having this horrible feeling that it doesn't matter and its not enough. When I get in one of those moods, everything is horrible and its the end of the world.

After a tearful conversation with Matt, I spoke to my sister Kylie over skype. The conversation was helpful but then she offered the solution of - why don't you come back to Vancouver for the summer and live in my apartment? My heart both leapt and sunk. It was the ultimate tease. Of course I would LOVE to spend the summer in Vancouver, hang out with my friends and my mom but what about the new job, the volunteering, Matt and trying to build a life here? This opened up a whole new set emotions. The biggest one being how much I miss my old life and that I'm really trying to commit to living here but feel pulled back. I'm afraid that when I go to Canada in a few weeks I might not want to come right back.

I almost feel like two people - the one who lives here and the one who lived in Vancouver. Its a very strange feeling. I am so connected to my family in Calgary and Vancouver and because of skype I feel like I'm still there. But then I go to events and hang out with friends here and I remember I live here and this is my life now. I think that I struggle because I still don't know where I'm going to be living in the long term, I still don't have a job in my field etc.

After the meltdown I had a bit of a wake-up call about how other people might view me (a little - ok a lot complain-y and prone to tears) and how I want people to see me (mostly cheerful and fun). I hate being in the waiting room of my own life but all this time that I think I'm waiting, life is still happening. I need to embrace the uncertainty and accept that my life is still in limbo and even if I was in Canada I could still be temping and looking for permanent work.

The countdown to Canada is 32 days - hoping some of these thoughts will be a little more resolved before then.