What's Next?

My last blog post (albeit that post was some time ago) was all about my visa concerns and my future immigration related plans. In light of my recent engagement, there have been some developments.

First, I suppose this counts as an official announcement of my being engaged. Although June 16^th was not that recent anymore but that was the night that we got engaged. It was also that day that two very good friends got married. Despite the engagement, we have not take not taken to calling each other fiancée, I much prefer ‘my betrothed’. Only joking, I’m not a fan of any of those labels.

I will admit that getting engaged threw me down the crazy well and among the joy, happiness and excitement were doubt, fear and anxiety. How can I –miss anti-wedding, have a wedding? How will I plan said wedding in Canada when I live in England? What about my Jewish tradition when Matt is not Jewish and not religious? How can I can I do this and compromise my beliefs or have Matt and I not kill each other in the process?

My dear friend (and now member of my bridal brigade) sent many encouraging e-mails in the first week. I’ve also had countless conversations with my best friend Christine, sisters, mom and dad. They were all very supportive and, more importantly, realistic. Most the spontaneous weeping of those first few weeks has subsided (for now) and a sense of calm and efficiency took over. While I have researching fun wedding ideas using pinterst (my new online obsession) I have also been exploring what are, to me, the more important matter of immigration and a successful marriage.

My practical side tends to be very strong. There were a few days where I seriously considered getting married at a registrar’s office (like city hall) so my visa application could get started and I wouldn’t have to leave in November. I rationalized and made a very strong case for it. The biggest challenge was admitting to myself that it wasn’t what I wanted and that saying vows in front my family and friends mattered to me. That might seem fairly obvious to most people but I’m pretty stubborn!

My very wise dad also said to me “how would you feel if you got married with no family there for a visa and then for whatever reason your application was denied? A work visa for a job is temporary but marriage is for life” He also repeatedly told me that you can’t cut sawdust.

And so the original plan stands, go back to Canada in November and apply for the unmarried partner visa. I try not to focus on the what-ifs like what if my visa is denied or what if it takes over 3 months for them to make a decision and I lose my job? I also try not to think about Matt and I having to go back to a long distance relationship as he can’t stay with me indefinitely in Canada while I wait for my new visa.

It will be strange living apart again and living at home with either my mom in Vancouver or my dad in Calgary. The upside is that I’ll have a chance to do wedding planning that requires me to meet with people in person and other than the not being paid part, having 2 months off from work isn’t all bad. I’ve done my best to secure my job for when I return. I feel incredibly lucky to have a job and a manager who are very supportive and understanding of my immigration concerns and restrictions.

On the most recent trip back to Canada in August, a few wedding details were sorted out: date (October 7^th 2012), and venue (Brix in Yaltetown, Vancouver). It feels better having some of the major details organized but now there are about a million other details and decisions to sort through and decide on. I’m also trying to focus on all of the aspects of my life in an effort not to get completed sucked into the wedding vortex in the next year.

Why don't you just get married??

On my very first visit to the U.K., the border agent asked me ‘who I would be staying with?’ I replied ‘my boyfriend’. The follow up question was ‘oh so are you here to get married?’ and my, perhaps over-zealous, response was ‘NO’ just here for a visit. Of course at that time I had no idea that in 6 months I would be moving to England to live with said boyfriend! And ever since that first interview with U.K. customs, the questions ‘why don’t you just married?’ had followed me around. Whenever I bring up any issues related to my visa or my ability to stay in the U.K. past the initial 2 years, the solution readily supplied by well meaning people is ‘get married!’ As if getting married is the simple, quick-fix solution.

This issue has come up again after another discussion with a border agent upon my return to England after going to New York. He asked me about my plan for when my current visa expires. I explained my plan was to leave the country November 24^th when it expires and then re-enter England on a visitor visa. From that I would then apply for an unmarried partner visa. I had researched this plan and spent many hours on the home office website. Although the paperwork was going to be a bit of a headache (20 page document, cost 500 pounds, hand over my passport), it seemed do-able.

That plan has now died. The border agent informed me of why this was not such a good plan. He said there was a good chance that I would be refused entry into the U.K. in the first place as a visitor because they will know that I have been living and working here for the past 2 years and would not be a true visitor. As well, I learned that you can not transfer from a visitor visa to an unmarried partner visa. Crap.

A work visa is also, unfortunately, not an option. All visas are based on points; I had enough points to come here on the youth mobility scheme. Points are awarded based on being from Canada, an English speaking country, my education and available funds. To get a work visa, your job must be on the job shortage list. It would seem that there is no shortage of youth workers/youth justice workers in this country since neither is on the list. Even though my work would potentially be willing to sponsor me, it is irrelevant without the job shortage list element (which adds 30 points to your application).

I find it beyond annoying that despite being an educated, working woman, I do not have enough points on my own merit to earn a visa, and the right to stay in this country. While I am grateful to have a wonderful boyfriend who will essentially be my sponsor so that I can come back, it doesn’t quite seem fair. My feminist instincts are decidedly unimpressed.

So where does this leave me? As I see it, I have three options.

1. When my visa expires, leave the U.K. and move back to Canada. Matt would apply for a transfer and move with me.

2. When my visa expires, leave the U.K. and while in Canada apply for an unmarried partner visa (cost of 810 pounds), which would allow me to re-enter the country for 2 more years and continue working.

3. Get married prior to my visa expiring and then I would not have to leave in November at all.

Despite my pangs of homesickness, I don’t feel ready to move back to Canada (election results aside). I’m in a great job and they have invested in me with training and university courses. I want to stay and get more experience. I know that my life in the long run will play out in Canada, but this chapter in England is not quite finished.

The second option seems to be the most logical for me personally and for Matt and I as a couple. I wish that a work visa, or an individual visa of some kind was a realistic option but the immigration rules are strict and keep getting stricter as the current government fulfills their election promise to stem the flow of immigrants and increase jobs for British Citizens. It’s an expensive option but it does involve a lengthy holiday to Canada in November!

And so option 3 – why don’t we just get married?! Matt and I have had this discussion and it has forced us both to evaluate our true beliefs and values around marriage. Is it just a legal formality to allow me to stay in the country or is it more important? Do we want the Home Office to determine when we get married? While it wouldn’t be the only reason to get married in the first place, should it be a reason at all?

While I have had mixed feelings about marriage (more specifically weddings), this past week, I feel that I have gained some true clarity. Marriage is more than just signing a piece of paper. Marriage for a visa removes any element of romance or love.

In a way it feels like an act of desperation rather than love. If I can’t live in the U.K., if for some reason my visa application was denied, I’m not being deported to a horrible country with no freedoms. Marriage for a visa feels like a last ditch effort and I don’t really think that I’m at that point.

I love Matt and marriage is most likely in the cards for us but that is a decision to be made by us when it feels like it’s the right time and not because the UK Border Agency has given me slightly limited immigration options.

Speak the Language

Despite the fact that England is an English speaking country, I sometimes feel like it is a whole new kind of English. Even after being here for over a year, there are still so many times where I am lost in a conversation. The most commonly spoken word in my relationship with Matt is 'what?'

Here is a table of some of the words that I say now so that I can be understood.

English (UK)	English (Canadian)
Alright?	How are you?
Alright	Fine thanks
Skint	Broke
In a mood	In a bad mood
Have the hump	In a bad mood
Stroppy	Bitchy
Get your kit off	Take your clothes off
Loo roll	Toilet paper
Kitchen roll	Paper towel
Toilet, loo, bog	Bathroom, washroom
Boot	Trunk
Bonnet	Hood
See a film at the cinema	Go to the movie theatre
Washing up	Do the dishes
Hoovering	Vacuuming
Rubbish bin – or just bin	Garbage can
Pavement	Sidewalk
Zebra crossing	Pedestrian crossing
Gooseberry	Be a third wheel
Ring them	Call them
Put the kettle on	The solution to all problems in life
Bacon buttie	Breakfast bacon sandwich
Sarnie/buttie/bap	Sandwich
Football	Soccer
Up the duff	Pregnant
Flat	Apartment
Lift	Elevator
Queue	Line up
Alcopop	Cooler
Take-away	Take-out
Brilliant	Awesome
Keep your hair on	Don’t freak out
Pudding/pud	Dessert
Trainers	Runners/sneakers
Tissues	Kleenex
Tuck in	Eat up

There is also the added fun of cockney rhyming slang that many people use without even thinking about it. Example: I don't have a scooby = I don't have a clue because scooby doo rhymes with clue! others include boat race - face syrup and fig - wig There are 'shed loads' more but this is just a taster. To truly experience it you'll just have to come for a visit.

Busy Bee

Well it appears that it has been over a month since my last blog post. I have to admit though, I am still on a high about being able to drive. Each time I make it to a young person's house and then make it back home, it feels like a little victory. I knew that I was making not driving a huge obstacle in my head that I just needed to get over. Matt is also enjoying my ability to drive us both home after he's had a few beers. Which means that we've branched out to restaurants outside of our town (i.e. not just walking distance).

Since I wrote a one year review back in November, I don't think I'll go over everything again. Instead, I'll discuss my hopes and plans for 2011. I only made one resolution and that was to not buy any magazines. The main reason is that I read them in 5 minutes and then recycle them so they are not really a good use of my money. I suppose the magazine thing is part of the bigger resolution to be more financially responsible and financially conscious (paying attention to what I'm spending).

The main reason that I'm a busy bee these days is because I have two jobs and I'm taking two courses! My main job is still working at youth justice as a substance misuse worker and prevention worker. My second job is a youth worker at a youth club one night per week. The first course is through the Open University (and I'm being sponsored by youth justice to take it) - its called effective practice in youth justice. You need that qualification to be a youth justice officer (essentially a youth probation officer) which is what I would like to be doing in the near future. The second course is a youth worker qualification through the second job and I get paid to attend the workshops which are every other week. My life is full of youth justice!! I'm trying to take advantage of every opportunity available at youth justice. I'm not sure how long I'll be there due to budget cuts. I have high hopes that I will have my contract renewed at the end of February.

I've also been trying to cook more and eat out at restaurants a bit less. I have a fully stocked kitchen and have found lots of little shops that stock many of my obscure ingredients. Its not quite the same as being walking distance from Whole Foods but I'm making it work. Matt continues to be supportive of my healthy eating attempts although there are some complaints about the occasional cooking smells coming from the kitchen.

There are quite a few (too many actually) trips that I'm looking forward to this year. My very good friend Alexxa is going to be in Spain in March and thanks to the close proximity to England, I can go and meet her!! I've never been to Spain and I think its going to be so fun to get to meet up and catch up! Matt and I have booked a few days off in April because due to the amount of stat holidays (thanks for getting married Prince William and Kate Middleton and giving everyone an extra Friday off), there is an excellent opportunity for a holiday. The top contender is New York. The plan is to wait for a last minute deal to save some money and head there for a week!

Other trips that I want to take include: Florida, El Salvador (to visit my sister and her family who are there for the year), Canada in August for a wedding and my dad's 60th birthday and then Canada again in November when my visa expires. The big question now is how to make all of these holidays fit!! Once I know my position at work I will be able to sit down and make some decisions.

The other recent development is the flat is now painted. After spending too long in places with white walls I decided that the time had come for some colour. I asked (ok told) Matt that instead of exchanging Hanukkah/christmas presents, we would split the cost of painting and decorating. So now I feel more at home here. I'm having a party/open house to show off all of the hard work put in. Admittedly, Matt painted a few more walls than I did. His parents were a bit skeptical about some of the colour choices but after seeing them on the wall agreed that I had missed my calling as an interior decorator.

The days are getting longer making me very happy and I'm looking forward to Spring :)

It finally clicked

I’ve been driving the new car for about two weeks now and I would say that It’s going much better. The first few times out with Matt in the car were nerve wracking for both of us. He was sat in the passenger set squeezing his fists and trying to break on his side. His anxiety was making me feel even more nervous and his telling me that I was too close to the curb every 5 seconds didn’t help anyone!

I was still glad to have him in the car though for when I wasn’t completely sure of when to go or what to do. I soon realized that I was relying on him too much and I was going to need to conquer driving on my own once and for all.

I can’t really explain exactly what changed but one day, on my way to work, I approached the roundabout and everything just clicked. As if a picture had been out of focus and I could finally see it clearly. I don’t know why it took a year for roundabouts to make sense to me but it just did. I can now come up to the roundabout and not completely panic and forget how to drive!

Every once in awhile in the car I have a moment where I have to really stop and think about what side of the road I’m meant to be driving on. I haven’t gone the wrong way yet and I don’t think it will happen. It’s more like my rational brain fighting against 9 years worth of driving on the other side.

I’m also adjusting to use the satellite navigation system Sat Nav or Tom Tom. I’ve never used one before so it was a bit confusing at first. I’m out there driving around to young people’s houses and I have no idea where I am or where I’m supposed to be going and have to really on this electronic map to guide. I have occasionally argued with the Tom Tom when it has told me to turn around when possible but I was going the wrong direction (away from home no on the road) and it was a single lane highway. I’m used to getting lost but it’s a whole new level of disorientation here.

It’s improving every day and I’m getting used to the roads. I think Matt still worries about me out on the road. Especially when he gets frantic phone calls from me when I’m driving on the back roads and can’t figure out how to get back to a main road to get home. He has been very patient and trusting of me with the brand new car.

I still prefer to be the passenger but I have to admit it is really nice to be able to drive again.

This Time Last Year

Last Thursday was my one year anniversary since arriving in England. In some ways it seems that the time has gone by really quickly because I can so clearly remember getting off the plane last year and moving into the new flat. How can that have been a year ago already?

This is an excerpt from my journal from the day before I left:

November 23rd, 12:15 am, last sleep

"Everything feels very surreal. I know that I need to go to sleep and that when I wake up it will be the day I've been counting down to for 13 weeks! I really wish that I wasn't on the verge of a cold/sinus infection. Not ideal for traveling or for seeing Matt. I really can't believe that I get to see him in about 28 hours.

Everyone came over for supper. It was loud and chaotic and exactly my family. I didn't get really emotional. I expect that to kick in at the airport with saying goodbye to dad, shelley and christine. I know I'm very tired so I hope that I can sleep without waking up every 2-3 hours like last night"

Things I have learned in the last year:

- it's hard to hide your crazy tendencies when you live with your boyfriend. I'm used to living either at home, in a dorm room or with girls where I can walk around all the day in my pyjamas, have at home spa night with face masks, eat the occasional gross junk food that I would never admit to eating and other behaviours that in the beginning of a relationship you try to hide from the other person. We've both adjusted and have at least reached the point where burps and farts are mostly funny. Very romantic

- It doesn't matter where in the world I live, my family and my close friends will always be a huge part of my life. Thanks to facebook, skype and lots of phone calls, I speak to at least one member of my family or friend every day. I see pictures of the family events that I can't attend and it makes me feel like I am still a part of things. My family supported me in moving here and have been there every step of the last year.

- Sometimes, I kind of think I'm invincible. I'm normally very humble and don't always take credit for my accomplishments. But this time I'm taking full credit. I moved to another country to pursue my relationship with Matt and within 6 months I was working at a job in my field while there is a major recession. I never settled and always believed that I would find a job that was right for me.

- I can now drive on the other side of the road and navigate around roundabouts. It took a long time, a lot of tears and the purchase of an automatic but I can drive! Now as soon as this snow clears I'll be back on the road.

- Matt is an incredibly patient and caring person when he's not being a grumpy old man. I'm not always sure how he puts up with me but I did once phrase it as "dating me is like being on the crazy train, you're either all aboard or waiting at the station" Clearly he's all aboard! He's been an amazing partner and despite a few rough patches, I know I made the right decision in moving.

- Being friendly goes a long way in any country. I never fully appreciated the stereotype of the polite Canadian until I moved away and people told me that I said please and thank you a lot. Manners cost nothing and have made a big difference in getting along with everyone at my revolving door of workplaces the first 6 months here.

- Bringing baked goods to work also goes a long way

Parallel Lives

I've been back from Calgary for two days and despite sleeping for almost 24 hours upon my return, I still feel like I could hibernate for a week. I tried to prepare myself for feeling sad when I came back to England. I knew it would come because that's how I felt when I came back in June. This feeling of everything is not quite in sync and it takes awhile to get settled back into my life here.

Having parallel lives is the best way that I can describe the feeling of living in England while my family and many friends still live in Canada. I have felt it both times that I have gone back and I have felt it when Canadian friends and family come to England to visit.

When I went back to Calgary I saw people who I hadn't seen since I had left a year ago. I felt different and had been living this completely different life but everything and everyone was still the same. It was a strange feeling because I became completely absorbed in my week in Calgary and it was as if my other, England life has never even happened or didn't seem to exist. Then the minute I'm back at work on Monday, my Canadian life fades away and it's as though I've always lived here, I've always worked at that office.

Each life seems to carry on without the other one and when I step back into my Calgary, Vancouver or Woking life the others fade into the background. It rips me apart in many ways because I want to live my England life but with my Canadian family. When I'm here and away from them, I almost forget that I miss everyone or how nice it is to be home for kid's birthday parties and family dinners. It makes me wonder will I always feel this push/pull inside me no matter where I live?

I hope this doesn't sound too depressing. The first days back are tough and the intensely busy work schedule and jet lag don't really help.