High Maintenance?

I usually pride myself on being a down-to-earth, low maintenance kind of girl. It occurred to me, after an incident that happened last night, that this may not be an accurate representation of myself.

The front desk at the hotel where I've been staying all week keeps a small tea tray of treats on it for guests. Every evening there is some kind of candy, cookie or other food on display. Last night's treat was delicious looking banana bread that was covered in inch thick butter.

We walked by the desk en route to the bar to meet up with Matt's work colleagues. The amount of butter was too much of a deterrent and I walked by without taking any. I was grumpily (and hungrily) sitting in the hotel bar with one Matt's work colleagues while they debated how many more beers to drink before we could get food.

This has been the theme of the week. I'm starving and want to eat around 6:30 and they want to drink and watch the football without giving food a second thought. I cannot survive on an alcohol, liquid diet.

Matt could tell I was hungry. When I'm hungry I lose control of my ability to reign in my inner bitch. My blood sugar drops, I feel nauseous and at that point I'm pretty much ready to eat my own hand. I knew he was trying to move things along and I wasn't upset with him. I was annoyed that because we were in a group (and I was the tag-along girlfriend on a work trip) that unless everyone was prepared to go we would be staying put.

Matt offerred to get me a piece of bread from the bar but I explained about the butter and mostly joking said ' I'll eat it if you scrape the butter off'. Some twisted part of me wanted to see if he would do it. And, to his wonderful boyfriend credit, he went and retrieved some bread, scraped all the butter off and gave it to me.

At that moment, I looked across the table at his colleague Dan and said " I swear, I'm not as high maintenance as this makes me seem!" You kind of lose credibility when you've just made your boyfriend scrape butter off of some bread for you.

This week has been a bad example and I have been slightly princess-esque while I've been here. The whole time trying to keep in mind that I came along for the week because I'm doing freelance work so I can work in the hotel and, as it turns out, I'm kind of a wimp when Matt goes away for a week or more for work. I rationalized it by taking driving lessons (that were slightly less expensive up here than in Surrey) every day.

I really do believe that I'm easy-going for the most part. The fact that I spent every night this week in a pub watching football and barely even complaining is a clear demonstration. After last night thought, I think I'm going to try to check myself a little bit more often and continue striving for more independence.

Independent Sarah took quite a blow moving to another country. The consistent thought in many of my blog posts has been my struggle to rely on other people when I'd much rather do everything by myself. I'm not very good at delegating since I most often think that my way of doing something is the best/right way of doing it. Living with someone else, not having as much control over my life is forcing me to let another person in and rely on him.

Driving is coming along slowly. If I could understand roundabouts better, I'd be set. I can drive the car now, changing gears is still strange but doable its the traffic rules that are causing me issues. I still can't get a full U.K. license for a few more months but I almost feel like that license will be even more hard earned than my original driver's license at 17. Also, If I ever have kids, they are learning to drive a standard car first!

Some Thoughts on Relationships (mine included)

I would say that I have always been fairly opinionated on the subject of relationships, marriage and (especially) weddings. I like to think that I am just fascinated by the sociological phenomenon of the above mentioned subjects but, in truth, I think that I have ranted and raved about them as I have tried to sort out my own feelings.

I was not one of those little girls that dreamed of her wedding. I played dress up and had plans for when I got older but there was no white dress and big cake in those plans. I also never really gave much thought to getting married. I sort of assumed it would work itself out at some point or it wouldn't. I spent a considerable amount of time and effort making peace with my previous singleness in the event that it was permanent. I distinctly remember wondering how I would end up as half of a couple since I was used to (and quite enjoying) my former single status. I wondered how I would ever share a bed, a living space, a life with someone else. I won't go so far to say that previous relationships were complete train wrecks since I learned something from them but there was never any future there.

I find myself in quite unfamiliar territory as I'm thinking more about marriage lately. That doesn't mean I have any plans to get married any time soon but it seems to be at the forefront of my mind. I have several theories as to why these thoughts have invaded my previous marriage/wedding free brain.

Living in Calgary and Vancouver, my friends were mostly single or the ones that were couples were the kind of couples that have been together for 5+ years and were quite content the way they were. That was the kind of couple that I envisioned myself being - one who could happily be in a relationship without feeling the need to be married. The only weddings that I've attended have been for my siblings. As I was getting ready to leave Vancouver, the shift was starting amongst my group of friends. One wedding, one engagement but still overall my group of friends were unmarried and childless.

Since moving to England, my social circle has shifted. Matt's friends are married, living together, a few have children. He doesn't seem to have any single friends. We went out for dinner with three other couples one Friday night and I kept thinking 'How did I enter this couple world?' I'm younger than Matt and his friends. Most of them started working when they were younger and so are further along in their career paths which makes me feel even younger. I understand that I chose a different path but in some ways being a grad student seemed to delay real life a little bit (that's why I chose it in the first place!)

For the first time in a relationship, I have people asking me if/when we will get married? Also for the first time, I don't find this question completely repulsive.

Another contributing factor is the fact that I'm living in England on a two year visa. Sometimes it seems like plenty of time while other days it does not feel like enough time at all. I'm pretty sure getting married for citizenship is on the top 10 list of worst reasons to get married but what if that's what it comes down to? I know, I should be enjoying my time here, experience our relationship and see what happens. I've never been able to embrace the philosophy of 'its about the journey and not the destination'. I'm only able to enjoy the journey if I know more about the destination. I'm not saying this is going to happen but I admit that I certainly think about it.

Another influence in my recent thoughts is my parents who separated just over three years ago. My mom is re-married now and my dad is getting married this summer. I love both my mom and dad fiercely and when they divorced, I was deeply affected by it. It was around that time that my anti-marriage stance became my armour. I wanted to be an independent person who could live a happy and complete life without being married. If you don't get married then you won't get divorced. I didn't want to experience the pain I witnessed my parents experiencing and determined that taking myself out of the game completely was the best course of action.

I think now that my parents have moved on and I see them happy with their new, respective partners, I feel like I can move forward and lead my own life. Perhaps some of the hurt I experienced watching them after they split has been healed by seeing them both so happy (and married/getting married) to new people. At the very least it has forced me to challenge some of my stubborn beliefs and opinions. I did manage to at least figure out that I'm more supportive of marriage than I am of weddings.

As I write this I feel hypocritical and I feel like I am succumbing to the wedding cult/cultural brainwash. I have firmly maintained that weddings are lovely for other people but not for me. I've often wondered if my feelings were based on a very strong self-protection defence mechanism where I so wholly and completely convince myself that I don't want something in an effort to protect myself in case it doesn't work out. If I don't want to get married or have a wedding then I'm perfectly happy if it doesn't happen. My other main feeling about weddings is that its so much planning and money for one day and it was not something I wanted for myself. I'm still not sure where I stand on weddings but my tough exterior on the subject has begun to crack slightly.

This blog feels like a combination confessions/apology. Why do I feel like I need to apologize for contemplating marriage? Its partly because I have gotten up on my soap box so many times and espoused to anyone who would listen on why weddings were all the same and marriage was by no means a requirement for a long term relationship. I've tried in my rants to avoid the use of the word 'never' just in case I had any changes of heart.

I've been trying to get my thoughts in order and write this all week but its hasn't been coming out right at all. I'm still not convinced that what I have written accurately expresses what I was trying to convey. Maybe a summary would help:

I find myself thinking more about my future and would I like to be married and have children in that future. I also alternatively feel traitorous for having housewife-ish fantasies. I know that I worry way too much about what other think and I should just live my life according to my own set of rules as opposed to socially prescribed ones. I guess the concluding thought is that there are no clear answers or right or wrong way to live my life.

Are you still reading? Thanks for bearing with me and my random thoughts that I've been desperately trying to get written down.

Just Past the 3 Month Mark

How did it get to be March?? I've been living in England for 3 months and two weeks now. Its a very strange feeling because in some ways my life in Canada seems so long ago but in other ways I feel like I just got here. I often find myself thinking ' I really live in England?!' So what's been happening?

I gave my notice at the debt collections agency and gently tried to inform my boss that my job was actually not a one-person job. I've been doing the work that an entire department does! A new temp came in on Wednesday for me to train. I'd like to point how ridiculous the situation was that me (also a temp) wrote a training manual and was given the task of training the new person. Because I was showing her everything, not a lot of work was getting done. I could see the look of panic in her eyes for most of the day but tried to be re-assuring. By Thursday morning she was gone and by Thursday afternoon a new temp had arrived and the training had to begin all over again.

I was starting to feel pretty sick by Thursday. I'm very prone to getting sick when I'm extremely stressed out. Its like an unfriendly reminder that I haven't been taking good enough care of myself and my body has decided that if I'm not going to relax then its going to take me down by force.

Friday was supposed to be my last day. It was fairly obvious by lunch time that my replacement was not ready to be left on her own. I said that she shouldn't worry and I would come in on Monday to help out. Why? Why d I always make these promises and commitments when I should walk away. I'm a temp - I didn't even have to give notice!!

I said good-bye to everyone but it wasn't really good bye since they knew I would be coming back Monday. I left work and headed home. I was at least excited because I had a skype date with my niece Winnie (5) and Ellis (3). It was their first skype experience and I think that it freaked them out a little bit. Ellis, who is normally super chatty, just stared at me and shook his head is disbelief. Winnie liked it better and really liked when I gave them a tour of the flat and showed them the spare room which could be their room when they come for a visit. I think that Matt's skis and all the laundry hanging up in there may not have sold it.

Matt has been working on a new project that required him to work really long hours (leaving by 7 home by 10 or 11) for the first half of the week and then going up to work in Southport near Liverpool for Thursday and Friday. He's also working there all this week. He came back Friday night so that we could go to our friend's Dave and Kim's going away party. Although

they have only moved about an hour and a half away. I'm sad for Matt because he and Dave have been friends and lived in the same area since they were in grade school.

We had a good night other than I was feeling pretty awful. At this point one half of my throat was completely swollen and sore and I was convinced that my brain was trying to escape and push through my skull. I was happy to go home and crawl into bed. We were both looking forward to a lie in Saturday morning.

In the morning, I was still feeling sick and had to make a trip to the pharmacy. I would have spent the whole day in bed but Matt had bought tickets to see a play in London for our anniversary. I'll admit that I pushed a little bit to celebrate an anniversary. I thought that making it to one year together (or since we met) was a big deal considering how much time we spent apart. In some ways I think our relationship is stronger because we had to get to know each other over e-mail and phone calls at the start because we couldn't see each other. I'll save more relationship insights for another post though.

The play we went to see was called Private Lives. The main reason that he bought the tickets was because Kim Cattrall was the lead actress. As it turns out, the play was amazing and hilarious. I was thisclose to Kim Cattrall. She is so firmly entrenched in my mind as Samantha that when the play was over all I could think was wow Samantha did a great job! Kim Cattrall did do a good job and had a very believable accent. I, on the other hand, still can't do an English accent to save my life.

We went out for an early dinner and a quick wander around Covent Garden. We made it an early night because I was still feeling very rough. We came home and went to sleep. Matt usually plays football on Sunday but the game was cancelled which means we go to have another lie in. This is a big deal considering that Matt is usually up and out the house on the weekends to play golf and football.

Sunday was a lazy day. His parents came over to put up some shelves in the kitchen. Matt may not be that handy but his dad sure is! No all of my spices and cooking oils are easily accessible. Our kitchen is really coming along despite the complete lack of storage space.

At Matt's parents insistence we went to the walk-in clinic to make sure that I didn't have tonsillitis or strep throat. It turns out that its just a virus and I need to rest and drink plenty of fluids. I'm also enjoying popsicles or ice lollies as they call them here.

Matt and I watched the Olympic hockey game and he tried to get into it but couldn't really make sense of the game and wondered how anyone could actually see the puck. I was so happy that we won and only slightly sad that I wasn't in Canada to be able to watch it.

Matt left very early this morning and will be gone until Friday. I made an appearance at work today just to tie up a few loose ends and to turn in my key fob. Even though I didn't like the job, it was nice to be in an office with people and being more social. I have a tendency to hermit.

I have to book my intensive driving lessons for next week since the new job requires the ability to drive a manual car on the other side of the road. I'm not completely sure when the new job starts as I'm still waiting for my criminal record check to come back clear (which it will it just takes longer for them to search my Canadian details). I've also gotten an e-mail today about becoming a volunteer community panel member handling youth justice cases and sentencing.

There will probably be more posts in the next few weeks since I'll be home more.

Goodbye debt collections, Hello youth justice!

Last Wednesday was the second interview/training induction day for working with Surrey Youth Justice. I wasn't sure if being invited back to the second day was a guaranteed job offer but as it turns out it was! They were looking to create a bank of staff to run a variety of projects under the umbrella of Youth Justice. Including taking youth on community service projects, running day time programs and filling in where needed. This is not a full time post but its a big step in the right direction of at least working for an organization that I'm interested in and that run all of the programs that I would like to be involved with.

I left the training day on Wednesday with mixed emotions. On the one side I was really happy that pending my criminal record check, I will be formally hired by a great justice organization. On the other side I had to make a decision about working at the debt collections agency. Both managers had separately approached me and offered me a permanent position. I had managed to deflect the offers with non-comittal responses so I wouldn't burn any bridges or blurt out a rude comment about how much I hate working there. The people in the office are nice and have been friendly towards me but the actual work I can't handle.

I had an intense internal struggle where I knew that the responsible, mature and logical move would be to stay at the debt collections agency until I heard back that my criminal record check was clear. What I wanted to do was call them and say I was never coming back! My compromise was to offer to stay until the end of the month. It was very odd that me as the temp was in the position of power.

Through Matt's coaching I managed to get an extra 3 pounds 50 per hour for my last two weeks. I negotiated that at my current rate it wasn't really worth it for me to stay. Translation: you need me more than I need you. My manager called me an opportunist but agreed. And now I only have 9 days left of working there plus I'm training my replacement.

Once I've finished working there I will be concentrating on driving lessons and proving to Matt that he can safely hand over his car keys to me!

It seems like things are slowly starting to fall into place here and I will be able to get job experience in my field and continue applying for jobs within Surrey Youth Justice since I already have one foot in the door.

Cautiously Optimistic

I had the job interview on Friday and it went really well! The only potential obstacle is the driving issue but if they offer me a position I'll be signing up for intensive driving lessons and getting put onto Matt's insurance asap.

When I was leaving work (debt collections agency) on Friday, one of my manager's wished me good luck but also said he hoped I didn't get the job because he wants me to stay and what if he offered me a permanent position. He said to think of the company as my family and I was always welcome.

Earlier in the week I had been offered a permanent position by the other manager when I told him about the first interview.

A very nice sentiment that makes me feel slightly guilty for hating the company so much. The people that I work with are, for the most part, very nice. How do I tell them that I find their company and debt collections in general morally reprehensible? I've been avoiding any direct responses to them. I've also been trying to leverage my position to get paid more for the last weeks that I'll be there. Its nice to have a job but reading angry letters all day is not for me.

Matt left for France on Saturday morning to go skiing for the week. Yes, I was invited and not abandoned. I made the decision not to sign on for the trip last summer because I did not know what my job situation would be, my money situation or most importantly because I don't ski! Turns out that because Matt and I met in Whistler (and by virtue of being Canadian), everyone just assumes that I'm a skier or snowboard. I'm trying not to be a wimp even though I really miss Matt and its been 4 days.

I'm obviously fine on my own but its very strange being on my own in the flat. I tried to organize some social events for last weekend and this weekend but as I've begun to learn when you only have weekends to hang out they tend to book up quickly. I did have a small movie marathon on Saturday. I don't know why I always choose to watch the most emotion provoking movies when I'm by myself. FYI - Rachel Getting Married - bring the kleenex.

I've also been having many lovely skype/phone chats with some of my favourite people at home! Getting to see people over skype makes such a big difference (Holla Mandy, Christine and Teresa!) I also managed to briefly connect with my very busy friend Alexxa who fit in our chat as she made her way to downtown Vancouver yesterday.

Every day that I'm at the debt collections place I feel a little bit nauseous. I'm not sure if its the poor ventilation, staring at the computer for 8 hours or the general office environment but I think I'm allergic to that building. I'm not used to life on a hamster wheel where no matter how many hours I work, the work will never get done. I have to leave each day knowing that it will be waiting for me when I get back. I am more task completion oriented - maybe its from being a student and having assignments and deadlines.

I really hope it goes well tomorrow and that I can give my notice and be done with debt collections.

The Universe is Against Me Today

At the place that I work, because I am trying to clean up the work mess of the previous temp, I have trouble locating many files. Customers write in very angrily asking why I haven't responded to their previous correspondence. Occasionally I have to re-request that certain documents be re-submitted to me. In the letter that I send out I play the dumb receptionist card and say that I spilled water on my desk and a number of files (including theirs) were destroyed.

So what happened today? A glass of water ACTUALLY spilled all over my desk giving my keyboard and mouse a shower.

Then I had a meeting at 3:00 p.m. to find out more about the computer codes that are involved in recording everything. This system is the master at work. After an hour and 20 minutes this is what I learned

1. I've been doing at least 3 times as much work as I had to because there are computer codes that will do the work for me.

2.Essentially all the training that I have had has been wrong because they didn't know the right procedures

3. I may have to re-do most of the work since I got there.

All through the meeting (all day really) I kept thinking - I have this job interview on Friday and its going to be my ticket out of here. I can survive anything knowing there's a chance that I'm about to get a job in my field.

On the train home my phone rang. Turns out that having a valid U.K. license and car is an essential part of the job. CRAP! So she told me not to come in anymore. I was SO keen to sell my car before I left Canada. Little did I know how important being able to drive and having a car would be!

Overall a rough day.

Ground Hog Day

It's been an interesting past few days...

Last Friday after work I took the train into London to get a haircut and to meet Matt and some of his work friends for dinner at a really nice Thai restaurant (Mango Tree). The reason that I was getting my hair cut in London and not locally was because I had signed up for this sort of promotion to get my hair done at a salon in Covent Garden. I maintain that I was an easy mark for the smooth talking salesman who approached me on the street in London pre-Christmas. The basic deal is pay money up front and then get a discount on haircuts at this salon for the whole year. You can also have a makeover and photo-shoot (unlikely).

I had an awesome hairdresser in Vancouver so I was nervous to trust my hair to a stranger. When I arrived and she tried to confirm with me that I would be having a full colour and I said no just a cut was not the best start. They found a junior stylist to cut my hair since I hadn't actually been booked in for a haircut originally. How do I know she was a junior stylist? Well for thing I used to work at a hair salon so I had a sense about it but the biggest clue was when she called over the receptionist to check if she had cut the back of it straight!! I like it now but I was really uncertain at the time.

After the haircut, I got on the tube and had my google map in hand to find the restaurant. I have a horrible sense of direction and can get very lost even with a phone. As I wandered around outside Victoria Train station I kept thinking how useful an I-phone would be at this time. I completely played the girl card and made Matt leave the restaurant to come and meet me and walk me back.

The dinner was great. There were eight of us including Simon and Clare (Matt was the best man at their wedding), Neil and Emma (Clare's bridesmaid and her boyfriend) and Adam and Sarah who work with them and are Australian. It was an extravagant dinner with drinks, bottles of wine, appetizers, mains and desserts and more drinks. The food was so good! The servers were wearing authentic thai outfits and our server had a small bag with a jamaican flag and pot leaf on it. I thought it was funny.

After dinner we went for more drinks but I had reached my limit as a non-drinker. There's only so much sitting around while everyone drinks that I can take. I'm also like a small child and get very cranky when I'm over tired. I practically stamped my feet around 11:30 and said I wanted to go home.

Saturday morning I was up early because I had a very important shopping date. My shopping mission was for a great pair of boots. I decided I couldn't avoid the skinny jean boot trend forever. I enlisted Amanda (girlfriend to Matt's best mate Steve) to help me out for the day. She has great clothes and loves to shop! It was a marathon shopping trip that was side tracked by a beautiful $300 dress that I just couldn't justify purchasing even if it looked amazing!

By 3:30 I had new work clothes but still no boots. We had been to almost every single possible shoe store but I knew what I wanted in my head and hadn't seen it anywhere. There was one final store - Russell and Bromley - that Amanda said was a really expensive shoe store. I wanted to check it out anyways and of course the perfect boots were there, on sale! One woman knocked over another pair of boots while she was staring at me wearing the boots. My first experience of boot envy. I wore them back to start breaking them in. I'm not usually a big fan of smart clothes and boots since I'm more of a t-shirt and jeans kind of girl but clearly living in England is forcing me to expand my fashion horizons.

Matt was nice enough to come and pick me up since I had so many shopping bags that I didn't want to take the train home.

Sunday I decided that I wanted to bake muffins. The recipe called for unsweetened applesauce which I hadn't been able to find in the store so I decided to make my own. How hard could it be?? It wasn't that hard just very messy. Now I need to find recipes that require applesauce since I have a freezer full.

Monday was back to work. The job is getting a little better and I can see the top of the paperwork mountain. Hopefully very soon I will be able to coast down the other side.

Today, groundhog day, might mark the start of a new job in the direction that I want. I received an e-mail asking me to come in for an interview at the end of this week for a job working in youth justice. This interview came about through persistent e-mails to the head of Youth Justice in Surrey. I thought he was ignoring me since I hadn't heard anything in a few weeks but he passed on my information to another woman who I will be meeting this Friday.

The best part about this is that I did apply for this same job through the proper channels and my application was rejected. It seems that I have managed to get in through alternative means proving that it really is all about who you know.

I'm hoping that this interview will finally help me crack Surrey County Council which has all of the jobs that I want.