Life as a Non-Driver

There were many things that I worried about before I moved to England. I knew that I would miss my friends (a lot!) and my family (even more) and that I might struggle a bit to find work (I was right about that one). None of these worries were that overwhelming. I repeated the mantra of 'it would be fine, I will be fine' and managed to get on the plane and get through the past six months. Of all of the things that I pre-emptively worried about before I came over, driving was not an area that received very much attention.

I can now see that I completely took for granted driving and having my own car. I think about all of the jobs and events that I had no issue getting to because I knew that I could look it up on google map and though I would most likely still get lost, eventually, I would reach my destination. Since I have moved here I have barely driven and only twice outside of the driver's ed car. I assumed that if I tried hard enough, had enough practice I would be able to do it. I knew that I could drive already so learning to drive a manual couldn't be that hard surely...

After many hours of lessons, many pounds invested and countless tears I have decided to end the madness (for now). I have agonized over this decision and have made the requisite pros and cons list and rationalized to the full extent of my abilities. I now HATE driving, I dread my lessons and feel a sense of relief when I get out of the car and I am terrified of roundabouts. I'm not really convinced that any amount of lessons is going to change that. I also never have the chance to practice because a. Matt is never here and b. I'm not insured/not insurable.

The next possible option that is being explored is Matt is going to rent an automatic car for a weekend so I can test out if the problem is driving a manual or more about the traffic and being on the other side of the road. If I can do it then Matt might look into getting a company car that's an automatic. I still might not be able to get insured on that plan. It would seem that my fate is to live in England as a non-driver. Other than not being able to go to the big grocery store on my own and possibly not be eligible for a few jobs I'm not sure there are that many drawbacks. At least not driving is environmentally friendly!

Trying to Keep Things in Perspective

Where has the last three weeks gone? Despite having some significant events take place, I haven't done a very good job of staying on top of my blog.

So what's been going on?

1. Matt and I have gone on a few day/weekend trips. The first one was to Brighton which is about an hour and a bit away. Road trips in Europe are very different than Canadian ones. I'm still preparing Matt for the very long car journey from Vancouver to Calgary. Brighton is on the seaside so we checked out the pier, had lunch in a really tasty vegetarian restaurant and debated but ultimately decided against going on the rides. We also went to Wiltshire (between Stonehenge and Bath) where our friends Dave and Kim live. They invited us and another couple (Steve and Amanda) up for the weekend to see their new house. I had such a great time and discovered that my Wii sports skills have expanded from just bowling to include skiing. I was told that skiing must be in my blood because I'm Canadian. We went into Bath but only briefly. From the little bit that I saw, I would really like to go back there for a whole weekend. I feel like I'm getting to see more of England and not just the major tourist spots.

2. While finding a job in my field has been slow going, obtaining a volunteer job was comparatively easy. After a brief interview, I was chosen to be a community panel member with Surrey Youth Justice. In England, when young people get sentenced in court, they are often put on a referral order which is similar to probation in that they will be supervised but it focuses more on restorative justice (making amends, repairing harm) and dealing with some of the young person's issues that may have led to the offence. It was an intense 6 day training course over 3 weeks. I learned a lot and also made a few new friends who actually live near me. I'm full of nervous excitement about the upcoming panel meetings where I will have to put all the training into practice. I might not be making money but I am making good contacts and gaining more experience working with young people.

3. I got a temp-perm job at proctor and gamble through another temp agency. Today was my first day but I was sent home early for being naughty...kidding - my lap top wasn't working and I couldn't do any work so they said they would have it sorted out by tomorrow when I return. I have mixed feelings about this new job. On the one hand, its a good job with a reputable company and its relatively close by. On the other hand, I feel like its not at all related to my field or education and I worry about all the time they will put into training me while I'm still actively looking and applying for other jobs...I can't say too much about working there because I signed a confidentiality agreement.

3a. A new job in an office means that I need work appropriate clothes. This is a constant problem for me. I hate clothes shopping because I have a weird body shape that does not fit into regular clothes: I have really short legs (i.e. even the petite sized clothes have to be shortened), my waist and legs are two different sizes and I can't wear any tops that have buttons...I've dragged Matt shopping with me a few times but I need to go back and try to find a few pieces that I like.

4. As I have previously mentioned, I am prone to major meltdowns that often lead to breakthroughs. One such event occurred on Thursday. I was at the training session and one of the training leaders was explaining how she got into her role. She told us about her education and the qualifications that a person would need to do her role. After listening to her I felt very discouraged because it seemed like all of my qualifications were wrong. In Canada, having a degree in the field and some work experience seems to be enough to get you a job. In England they are REALLY specific about the type of training and qualifications that they want you to have. I decided to go shopping after the training - possibly the worst idea (see 3a) and went home in tears.

All I could think was I had moved here and knew that the move was not for career gain. At the time that I made the decision, I was fine with it. Or at least fine enough with it to come over here and see what would happen. Now I'm starting to get frustrated that I spent all this time, energy and money on my education and building contacts and working and volunteering and then having this horrible feeling that it doesn't matter and its not enough. When I get in one of those moods, everything is horrible and its the end of the world.

After a tearful conversation with Matt, I spoke to my sister Kylie over skype. The conversation was helpful but then she offered the solution of - why don't you come back to Vancouver for the summer and live in my apartment? My heart both leapt and sunk. It was the ultimate tease. Of course I would LOVE to spend the summer in Vancouver, hang out with my friends and my mom but what about the new job, the volunteering, Matt and trying to build a life here? This opened up a whole new set emotions. The biggest one being how much I miss my old life and that I'm really trying to commit to living here but feel pulled back. I'm afraid that when I go to Canada in a few weeks I might not want to come right back.

I almost feel like two people - the one who lives here and the one who lived in Vancouver. Its a very strange feeling. I am so connected to my family in Calgary and Vancouver and because of skype I feel like I'm still there. But then I go to events and hang out with friends here and I remember I live here and this is my life now. I think that I struggle because I still don't know where I'm going to be living in the long term, I still don't have a job in my field etc.

After the meltdown I had a bit of a wake-up call about how other people might view me (a little - ok a lot complain-y and prone to tears) and how I want people to see me (mostly cheerful and fun). I hate being in the waiting room of my own life but all this time that I think I'm waiting, life is still happening. I need to embrace the uncertainty and accept that my life is still in limbo and even if I was in Canada I could still be temping and looking for permanent work.

The countdown to Canada is 32 days - hoping some of these thoughts will be a little more resolved before then.

Best Ever Granola!

I'm not temping this week so that means I'm baking. I bought 'Babycakes' a dairy,wheat and sugar free baking cookbook based on a bakery in New York (thanks Courtney for the suggestion). I've found some of the ingredients but a field trip to Whole Foods in London is in store to get the rest.

In the mean time I made granola today and I'm making spelt bread for the first time on Friday night. I LOVE this granola and always have some frozen in our tiny freezer. The trouble is I eat so much of it! Matt doesn't eat it so I can't blame him for how fast it disappears. I thought I would share the recipe since I know there are other foodie/baked good lovers out there who read this.

Enjoy!

Ready in 40 minutes - makes 16 1/2 servings

1/2 cup ground or coarsely chopped flaxseeds

6 cups old-fashioned or longer cooking oat flakes (I just use quaker oats)

2 cups sliced, unsalted almonds

1 cup raw, unsalted pumpkin seeds

1/2 cup raw, unsalted sunflower seeds

1 tsp each sea salt and cinnamon

3/4 cup vegetable oil

1/2 cup honey

1 cup dried apricots, chopped into small pieces

1 cup dried cranberries

1 cup dried apples, chopped into small pieces

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F

2. Line two cookie sheets with unbleached parchment paper (your hands will be sticky after mixing so its easier if these are ready to go)

3. Combine dry ingredients in a very large bowl. Add liquid and fruit ingredients and stir well. (I mix it with my hands. It's messier but I find it works much better for getting everything to stick together)

4. Bake for 30 minutes BUT check on it every 10 minutes and use a spatula to stir it. The dried fruit tends to burn unless you give it a shake every 10 minutes or so.

5. Remove from oven and let cool before putting in airtight containers. Freezes very well.

NOTE: This makes a HUGE amount of granola and I usually only make 1/2 a batch. The recipes halves very well. Also - I've used other dried fruit before when I didn't have dried apples and it turned out fine.

I hope you love it as much I do. This item would be sold at the fantasy Gold Owl Bakery.

It's been a great week

As anyone who works for or with local government knows, they move at a snail's pace. As a result, although I have received and returned my new employee package for Surrey County Council, I still do not have a start date or training dates. I'm back to temping until it gets sorted out. I did phone them but didn't really get anymore information then I already had.

This week I've been temping for Reach a marketing company in my town. Its very convenient to be able to walk to work and its only a few doors down from my gym. Its a pretty cool place and some of their clients are nintendo, nestle and some apple i-phone stuff. My job has been less glamorous. I along with 3 other temps have been completing data cleansing. Nestle did a huge audit and went all around the U.K. to find out what kind of coffee machines are in supermarkets, schools and offices etc. All the people who did the audit uploaded the info online. Our job is then to go through every entry (there are about 1500) and make sure that there are no blanks in the entry and that all the answers make sense. If there is a problem, then I have to call the person who did the audit and get them to tell me the answer they had recorded on their original questionnaire.

It's been boring but the office is fun and I sit next to another temp named Sean so at least I have someone to chat with during the day. We're also faster at going through the data then the other two temps so we call ourselves Team 1/the winning team. We can get through about 50-60 entries per day. That project is finished so I might still be working there this week coming up but I might not. Either way, to me, this is what temp work should be like. No responsibility, come in and do your work and go home. The last temp job was way too much responsibly from the get-go.

The weather has also been amazing all week. Everything just seems to be better when the sun is shining. I even discovered cherry blossom trees on my way to work which reminded me of Vancouver and make me smile.

Matt still works out of town all week leaving me to my own devices. We've been trying to make the most of the time that we have together on the weekends. Although spending 4-5 hours at the golf course tends to eat into our 'couple' time. I know how I feel when I don't go down to the gym for a few days so I do understand (to an extent) his intense passion for golf.

I'm getting very excited for our upcoming trip to Canada. We arrive on June 12th and of course I've already got almost the whole thing planned out. I'm a planner. I also want to make the most of our time there. We've also been invited to a wedding in Australia in January so we're really trying to see how we can make that work.

I'm hoping that in the very near future I'll know more about when I start this job!

Gold Owl Bakery

Since things have not being going quite as well as I had hoped in the work/career department, I have begun to fantasize about a possible dream job for myself.

I've signed the contract for the new job, they've contacted my references and still I have no idea of a start date. My plan is to give them a call tomorrow to try and find out when training might start. In the meantime, it's back to temp work. This week, its at a marketing company.

When I first moved here and wasn't working at all, I was baking all the time. I gave away little packages of gingerbread cookies at Christmas time as gifts. I have always loved baking. More than once (and many times in recent months) people have tried my cookies or other baked goods and told me that I should have my own business. I did, very briefly, have my own cookie business but it was short lived since I only had one customer who was missing his mom's cookies and wanted someone to make them for him.

When I first began toying with the idea of my own cookie business since moving to England, the most important thing was a name and brand. I love my last name and I love owls so Gold Owl cookies was born. I looked into selling them at a market stall in our town centre. They have a once a month market. This idea fizzled out fairly quickly because my very brief cost-benefit analysis was discouraging. It didn't seem like it could ever be anything more than a hobby. So I tucked the idea away in a mental file of wouldn't it be nice.

Two weeks ago I began a no wheat/no dairy/ no sugar plan. I started this partially for detox purposes and partially for weight loss purposes. Its been pretty effective. I've had less stomach problems and lost 3 pounds. I've also been baking with new ingredients (for me) like spelt flour and soy milk. Matt even enjoyed my spelt pancakes made with soy milk for breakfast this morning!

I was worried that I wouldn't be able to find things to eat since there is no whole foods or major health food store in my town. There are smaller stores and a 1/4 of an aisle at the grocery store but I've been pleasantly surprised overall with what I've been able to find and put together.

Yesterday, Matt and I went to Kingston to go shopping and I found a cool store called Food for Thought which was like a dream (and Matt's nightmare). It was full of different flours and vegan/vegetarian food. It got me thinking about how I can't buy these kinds of things closer to our house (freshly made products). So in the car on the drive home I started brainstorming about how I should expand my fictional business to include not just cookies but a whole assortment of wheat free/gluten free breads and baked goods and Gold Owl Cookies became Gold Owl Bakery.

I might look into the market stall idea again but there' s a good chance that this idea might remain in my head but its fun to think about.

A Little Homesick

After the amazing high of Paris came the inevitable low of facing reality. I had pushed many things out of my mind with the plan to deal with them once I was back from my trip. The biggest issue on my mind (all the time lately) is work. I do have a new job but it hasn't started yet. I just got my new employee package in the mail and I'm waiting for the next step or contact from my employers. I've also begun applying for more full time jobs since this job is only part time/on call.

All of the jobs that I want and have been applying for are all through the same organization Surrey County Council. They seem to have a monopoly on every social service and criminal justice related job available. I find this so frustrating because I have filled out the same job application online at least 25 times now. In the past (In Canada), when I was applying for jobs, I was sending out applications and resumes to a number of different organizations. Here its one single organization. I'm hoping that since I've already been hired by them for another position, they will maybe let my application get past the first stage. I'm fantastic in interviews if they give me one.

Last Monday was the Jewish holiday of Passover. This is one of my favourite holidays. When I moved here in November and was in England for Christmas, many people asked me if I missed being with my family. I missed my family but since we don't celebrate Christmas, it wasn't such a hardship being away at that time of year. Passover, on the other hand, is a big holiday in my family. We always have a big family get together and dinner. This year, I went to a Passover dinner in North London with my cousin Jonas. I was really happy to go to an actual dinner rather than having to pay to attend one at a synagogue. Also, the dinner was vegetarian and kosher for Passover! This is no small feat when you consider that you are not allowed to use any wheat/bread products for Passover. I really enjoyed myself but still really missed my dinners at home.

For the last month and a half, Matt has been working out of town during the week. He leaves Monday mornings and comes back Friday evenings. I wish that my social life wasn't quite so dependant on him but it is. The people that I know here all live in London which isn't that far but also isn't around the corner. I'm still trying to meet more local friends. I do occasionally hang out with Matt's mum though.

In the midst of the holiday, job applications feeling futile and Matt being away, I was hit with an intense wave of homesickness. All I kept thinking (and am still thinking) is would this all be easier if I had stayed in Canada where I had friends and a car and knew my way around the city?Those thoughts inevitably lead to the question that I try not to ask but that pops up in difficult times ' What am I doing here?'. Most days, I'm very happy with my decision and even if there are bad days, overall I believe that it was the right choice for me to move here. Plus, I was so efficient at packing up my life before I left, I don't really have anything (other than people) tying to me one place. If I were to move back, I would still have to start over again.

One bright spot in this rough patch is that I had friends come to visit. Max and Adrienne, who live in Germany, came on Thursday. Adrienne and I are friends from grad school in Vancouver and she met Max in Canada and then moved to Germany to be with him. Adrienne and I have lots to talk about in that department. It was so nice to have them for a visit. Despite their awesomeness, the homesick feelings have not fully disappeared.

I know that I haven't been here very long but I still don't feel that much of a connection to a life here. I'm sure a large element of that is due to a very irregular work schedule. I keep hoping that once this new job starts, there will be an improvement. Although, sometimes it feels like by the time I get everything sorted out with the new job, I'll be on my way back to Canada for a visit (June 12th - 28th).

This has been a fairly depressing post but unfortunately that's how I've been feeling. I'm sure that soon enough I'll get sick of this Sarah pity party and find a way to turn things around.

Parting with a Piece of My Canadian Identity

I have been very frustrated with everything to do with learning how to drive a manual car and getting a United Kingdom driver's license. I feel like I have been trying very hard to learn how to drive and figure out how to get a license. The trouble is that I keep getting misinformation. First the driving instructors told me that I first needed to get a provisional license (like a learner's permit) and then take my written/theory test and then take my road test.

Working on that assumption, I have been taking driving lessons knowing that it would still be awhile before I would be able to take my test. The driving lessons have varied from feeling mildly successful to overwhelmingly nervous and a new found hatred of driving. Its a very strange feeling because for the last nine years, I have been fortunate enough to own my own car and drive myself anywhere that I needed to go. Selling my car before I moved to England was a much more emotional experience then I had anticipated. My car was the last physical item that connected me to my life in Canada.

There's a chance that I under-estimated how difficult it would be to drive a manual car on the opposite side of the road. Before I moved I was overly-optimistic about all aspects of the new life awaiting me. I was confident that I would be able to find a job, learn to drive and build a brand new life here. If I had not maintained that optimism, I think I would have been paralyzed by fear and would never have gotten on the plane.

I have managed to find work. Its a slow process since I've been hired by a government organization and I finally received my new employee package in the mail. I'm also doing some work for my former manager at the debt collections agency which allows me to work from home. The main reason behind trying to get my driver's license sorted out more quickly is because my new job requires me to have a current license and access to a car.

The trouble is that although I am legally allowed to drive in the United Kingdom on my Canadian driver's license for one year of living here, Matt's insurance company will not insure me on that license. So I can't drive his car - the car that I told the new job I had access to...

The new plan is that I was able to exchange my Canadian license for a Great Britain license but that license will show that I am only able to drive an automatic car. Once I have that license I can just book my practical test and then get my license changed to show that I can drive a manual car. I went to exchange my license on Friday and now have to wait three weeks for my new new license to arrive. I also just learned that I can't book my practical test until that new license arrives!

I so wish that I had known about this license exchange when I first arrived here. I could have exchanged it months ago! When I was first told about this option, I was resistant to the idea of having to hand over my Canadian license in order to obtain a U.K. one. I didn't like the idea of having to give my license away. Of course this is silly, its a small, laminated piece of i.d. but to me (again) it is something that connects me to my life in Canada.

When I first moved from Calgary to Vancouver, I went through a similar process of maintaining my life in Calgary even though I was living in Vancouver. My doctor, dentist, hair dresser, everything were in Calgary for the first year that I lived away. I think that it made the move easier because I still felt connected to my old life. Eventually, trying to maintain a life in two cities became too difficult and I had to make a decision. If I was going to live in Vancouver, then I had to really live there. Of course, by the time I had managed to sort out and build a life in Vancouver I was preparing to move to England.

Now I am facing the same scenario where I live in England but most of my life still feels like its in Canada. Initially, I wasn't really ready to give over my Canadian license because my move here did not ( and still doesn't) feel permanent. I'm occasionally resistant to decorating our flat for the same reason. How much of a life do I want to build here when I really have no idea how long I will be living here?

In the midst of all of this driver's license drama, Matt has made an extremely generous offer. He proposed that perhaps he could sell his car and buy an automatic car for both of us to use. When he first suggested this to me last week my answer was firmly no. I thought that I had moved here and made the decision to go after a job that required me to drive. I felt that it was my responsibility to learn how to do this. As usual, placing unrealistic expectations on myself and then berating myself for not meeting them.

After much thought and a very long conversation with my mom, I began to see that it was not unfair of me to accept Matt's potential offer of getting an automatic car. It would help me SO much and it wouldn't have to be forever. I could keep taking lessons and eventually conquer manual driving. Why did I think that it was so unreasonable to get a car, even for just a year, that would help me feel more confident driving here?

This feeling was motivated by my struggle between independent Sarah and couple Sarah. I'm not really good at making decisions as a couple. I'm very good at making decisions that benefit Matt and benefit me but more individually. Getting a car that would help me but would mean Matt driving a car he didn't really like for a period of time seemed like way too much to ask for. I now see that I am very lucky to be with someone who is willing to even consider trading in his much loved car to make my life a little easier.

As I had to tell myself when I sold my car (and all my other possessions), its only a car and its just stuff.