I would say that I have always been fairly opinionated on the subject of relationships, marriage and (especially) weddings. I like to think that I am just fascinated by the sociological phenomenon of the above mentioned subjects but, in truth, I think that I have ranted and raved about them as I have tried to sort out my own feelings.
I was not one of those little girls that dreamed of her wedding. I played dress up and had plans for when I got older but there was no white dress and big cake in those plans. I also never really gave much thought to getting married. I sort of assumed it would work itself out at some point or it wouldn't. I spent a considerable amount of time and effort making peace with my previous singleness in the event that it was permanent. I distinctly remember wondering how I would end up as half of a couple since I was used to (and quite enjoying) my former single status. I wondered how I would ever share a bed, a living space, a life with someone else. I won't go so far to say that previous relationships were complete train wrecks since I learned something from them but there was never any future there.
I find myself in quite unfamiliar territory as I'm thinking more about marriage lately. That doesn't mean I have any plans to get married any time soon but it seems to be at the forefront of my mind. I have several theories as to why these thoughts have invaded my previous marriage/wedding free brain.
Living in Calgary and Vancouver, my friends were mostly single or the ones that were couples were the kind of couples that have been together for 5+ years and were quite content the way they were. That was the kind of couple that I envisioned myself being - one who could happily be in a relationship without feeling the need to be married. The only weddings that I've attended have been for my siblings. As I was getting ready to leave Vancouver, the shift was starting amongst my group of friends. One wedding, one engagement but still overall my group of friends were unmarried and childless.
Since moving to England, my social circle has shifted. Matt's friends are married, living together, a few have children. He doesn't seem to have any single friends. We went out for dinner with three other couples one Friday night and I kept thinking 'How did I enter this couple world?' I'm younger than Matt and his friends. Most of them started working when they were younger and so are further along in their career paths which makes me feel even younger. I understand that I chose a different path but in some ways being a grad student seemed to delay real life a little bit (that's why I chose it in the first place!)
For the first time in a relationship, I have people asking me if/when we will get married? Also for the first time, I don't find this question completely repulsive.
Another contributing factor is the fact that I'm living in England on a two year visa. Sometimes it seems like plenty of time while other days it does not feel like enough time at all. I'm pretty sure getting married for citizenship is on the top 10 list of worst reasons to get married but what if that's what it comes down to? I know, I should be enjoying my time here, experience our relationship and see what happens. I've never been able to embrace the philosophy of 'its about the journey and not the destination'. I'm only able to enjoy the journey if I know more about the destination. I'm not saying this is going to happen but I admit that I certainly think about it.
Another influence in my recent thoughts is my parents who separated just over three years ago. My mom is re-married now and my dad is getting married this summer. I love both my mom and dad fiercely and when they divorced, I was deeply affected by it. It was around that time that my anti-marriage stance became my armour. I wanted to be an independent person who could live a happy and complete life without being married. If you don't get married then you won't get divorced. I didn't want to experience the pain I witnessed my parents experiencing and determined that taking myself out of the game completely was the best course of action.
I think now that my parents have moved on and I see them happy with their new, respective partners, I feel like I can move forward and lead my own life. Perhaps some of the hurt I experienced watching them after they split has been healed by seeing them both so happy (and married/getting married) to new people. At the very least it has forced me to challenge some of my stubborn beliefs and opinions. I did manage to at least figure out that I'm more supportive of marriage than I am of weddings.
As I write this I feel hypocritical and I feel like I am succumbing to the wedding cult/cultural brainwash. I have firmly maintained that weddings are lovely for other people but not for me. I've often wondered if my feelings were based on a very strong self-protection defence mechanism where I so wholly and completely convince myself that I don't want something in an effort to protect myself in case it doesn't work out. If I don't want to get married or have a wedding then I'm perfectly happy if it doesn't happen. My other main feeling about weddings is that its so much planning and money for one day and it was not something I wanted for myself. I'm still not sure where I stand on weddings but my tough exterior on the subject has begun to crack slightly.
This blog feels like a combination confessions/apology. Why do I feel like I need to apologize for contemplating marriage? Its partly because I have gotten up on my soap box so many times and espoused to anyone who would listen on why weddings were all the same and marriage was by no means a requirement for a long term relationship. I've tried in my rants to avoid the use of the word 'never' just in case I had any changes of heart.
I've been trying to get my thoughts in order and write this all week but its hasn't been coming out right at all. I'm still not convinced that what I have written accurately expresses what I was trying to convey. Maybe a summary would help:
I find myself thinking more about my future and would I like to be married and have children in that future. I also alternatively feel traitorous for having housewife-ish fantasies. I know that I worry way too much about what other think and I should just live my life according to my own set of rules as opposed to socially prescribed ones. I guess the concluding thought is that there are no clear answers or right or wrong way to live my life.
Are you still reading? Thanks for bearing with me and my random thoughts that I've been desperately trying to get written down.
A wedding is just a step, albeit an important one. It's nice to share committing to one another with your family and friends and to share your happiness at having found one another. But the really important part is the marriage. A good marriage is a great gift. It doesn't just happen, but even after a really bad marriage and an ugly, painful divorce I can honestly say that I continue to believe in marriage as a very positive thing and well worth all the work and effort involved. And being ambivalent about it is pretty normal. Thinking of marriage and of kids is good and positive. You can't live life to the fullest without contemplating all the options. So just go with the flow, Sarah. You're bright and know yourselft pretty well. You'll figure out what's right for you in the long run. The more time you spend thinking about it in the context of your own relationship and those of others, the more likely you'll be to make the decision that's right for you.
ReplyDeleteOh my grasshopper how far you have come. Sometimes from great hurt comes clearer understanding and appreciation of what can be instead of what could have been.
ReplyDeleteStay the course, it is worth it!