Watching Your Parents Re-Marry

My parents separated at the same time that I moved to Vancouver and began my Master's degree. At that time, all I could think about was how much better and easier everything would be if they got back together. It was almost impossible for me to imagine a happy life for both of my parents that did not involved being married to each other and us being a family.

A very wise friend of mine gave me some powerful advice that has only truly become meaningful over the past few months. She told me that the day would come when I would be fine with my parent's divorce. I would also be fine with them dating and possibly marrying other people. I might even learn to like and love their new spouses. I was adamant that she was wrong. I thanked her for her well meaning advice and dismissed it thinking it may have been applicable to her other friends but not to me, not my family.

I watched both my parents go through extremely sad and lonely phases once they were apart. I don't think I (or my siblings) have ever felt as helpless as watching our parents suffer and feeling like there was nothing that we could do to fix it. I had to accept that it was not my problem to fix and that my parents were adults and capable of taking care of themselves. They began to heal in different ways and began to date new people.

The news of first dates from either parent was met with extreme awkwardness. I wanted to be supportive but I still hadn't completely worked out how I felt about them being apart and now they were moving on to date new people. A part of me wanted to know the details but the other part of me wanted to block the whole thing out. I know that both my mom and dad wanted their children to be comfortable with them dating and moving on into new relationships. They both emphasized how important their relationship was with their children and that it came first before any potential new partner.

I will admit that I did not behave in the most mature of fashions when my mom had a new boyfriend. When he was going to be at her house, I would make sure that I wasn't. If I knew she had plans with him, I would plans with her for another day. It wasn't anything personally against him, I wasn't ready to handle the situation yet. As time went on, I got to know him, even working at his office a few times when I was in between jobs. When my mom told me that they were planning to get married, I was still hesitant. I asked her if this is what she really wanted. She said it was. I decided that the best and grow-up daughter decision was to be supportive to my mom.

My mom got re-married in May 2009. Her wedding was on a Sunday. The Friday before the wedding, my apartment was broken into and my lap top stolen. Then the Tuesday after the wedding, I was leaving to go travelling in Europe and Israel for four months. Her wedding day was a very emotional one for me. I was happy for her but in a way it felt strange because I thought, aren't I supposed to be getting married next? It was a small wedding and all of my siblings were there.

I found out about my dad's first date with his now wife through her daughter who I went to high school with. The Jewish community in Calgary is very small and it doesn't take long for word to get out. When I asked him about it he told me that he had planned to tell me about it. I suppose parents are entitled to some privacy in their dating lives. My dad continued to assure me throughout the beginning of their relationship that his children were still number one and that we would always have a place in his home. When he told me that she was moving in to our house and that they were getting married, I was genuinely thrilled. In part because it meant that my beloved childhood home wasn't going to be sold right away.

The first time that I met my dad's then girlfriend, it was obvious that they were a good fit. They both liked to organize things, have shabbat dinners and yell at the tv. It was great to see my dad so happy but a small part of me felt sad because he hadn't been that happy with my mom in a long time.

The trip to Canada was planned around my dad's wedding which was on the second last day before coming back to England. The wedding was a full weekend event with a BBQ, pre-wedding night dinner and the actual wedding taking place in our backyard. After being away from my family for 7 months, it felt so good just to hang out with my everyone and be with "my people". Again, the wedding day was emotional but it was obvious to everyone there just how happy the two of them were.

When my parents re-married new partners, I gained a few step-siblings. I now have 2 sisters, 1 brother, 1 sister-in-law, 1 brother-in-law, 4 step-sisters and 2 step-brothers plus 5 nieces and nephews! We're a big family and only getting bigger!

I think that I have now adjusted to the concept of my parents being married to people who aren't each other hasn't been a quick or pain-free journey to get to this place. I still remember how I felt when they told me they were splitting up and the difficult months that followed. But now it seems that both my parents have found happiness and I couldn't be happier for them.