Trying to Keep Things in Perspective

Where has the last three weeks gone? Despite having some significant events take place, I haven't done a very good job of staying on top of my blog.

So what's been going on?

1. Matt and I have gone on a few day/weekend trips. The first one was to Brighton which is about an hour and a bit away. Road trips in Europe are very different than Canadian ones. I'm still preparing Matt for the very long car journey from Vancouver to Calgary. Brighton is on the seaside so we checked out the pier, had lunch in a really tasty vegetarian restaurant and debated but ultimately decided against going on the rides. We also went to Wiltshire (between Stonehenge and Bath) where our friends Dave and Kim live. They invited us and another couple (Steve and Amanda) up for the weekend to see their new house. I had such a great time and discovered that my Wii sports skills have expanded from just bowling to include skiing. I was told that skiing must be in my blood because I'm Canadian. We went into Bath but only briefly. From the little bit that I saw, I would really like to go back there for a whole weekend. I feel like I'm getting to see more of England and not just the major tourist spots.

2. While finding a job in my field has been slow going, obtaining a volunteer job was comparatively easy. After a brief interview, I was chosen to be a community panel member with Surrey Youth Justice. In England, when young people get sentenced in court, they are often put on a referral order which is similar to probation in that they will be supervised but it focuses more on restorative justice (making amends, repairing harm) and dealing with some of the young person's issues that may have led to the offence. It was an intense 6 day training course over 3 weeks. I learned a lot and also made a few new friends who actually live near me. I'm full of nervous excitement about the upcoming panel meetings where I will have to put all the training into practice. I might not be making money but I am making good contacts and gaining more experience working with young people.

3. I got a temp-perm job at proctor and gamble through another temp agency. Today was my first day but I was sent home early for being naughty...kidding - my lap top wasn't working and I couldn't do any work so they said they would have it sorted out by tomorrow when I return. I have mixed feelings about this new job. On the one hand, its a good job with a reputable company and its relatively close by. On the other hand, I feel like its not at all related to my field or education and I worry about all the time they will put into training me while I'm still actively looking and applying for other jobs...I can't say too much about working there because I signed a confidentiality agreement.

3a. A new job in an office means that I need work appropriate clothes. This is a constant problem for me. I hate clothes shopping because I have a weird body shape that does not fit into regular clothes: I have really short legs (i.e. even the petite sized clothes have to be shortened), my waist and legs are two different sizes and I can't wear any tops that have buttons...I've dragged Matt shopping with me a few times but I need to go back and try to find a few pieces that I like.

4. As I have previously mentioned, I am prone to major meltdowns that often lead to breakthroughs. One such event occurred on Thursday. I was at the training session and one of the training leaders was explaining how she got into her role. She told us about her education and the qualifications that a person would need to do her role. After listening to her I felt very discouraged because it seemed like all of my qualifications were wrong. In Canada, having a degree in the field and some work experience seems to be enough to get you a job. In England they are REALLY specific about the type of training and qualifications that they want you to have. I decided to go shopping after the training - possibly the worst idea (see 3a) and went home in tears.

All I could think was I had moved here and knew that the move was not for career gain. At the time that I made the decision, I was fine with it. Or at least fine enough with it to come over here and see what would happen. Now I'm starting to get frustrated that I spent all this time, energy and money on my education and building contacts and working and volunteering and then having this horrible feeling that it doesn't matter and its not enough. When I get in one of those moods, everything is horrible and its the end of the world.

After a tearful conversation with Matt, I spoke to my sister Kylie over skype. The conversation was helpful but then she offered the solution of - why don't you come back to Vancouver for the summer and live in my apartment? My heart both leapt and sunk. It was the ultimate tease. Of course I would LOVE to spend the summer in Vancouver, hang out with my friends and my mom but what about the new job, the volunteering, Matt and trying to build a life here? This opened up a whole new set emotions. The biggest one being how much I miss my old life and that I'm really trying to commit to living here but feel pulled back. I'm afraid that when I go to Canada in a few weeks I might not want to come right back.

I almost feel like two people - the one who lives here and the one who lived in Vancouver. Its a very strange feeling. I am so connected to my family in Calgary and Vancouver and because of skype I feel like I'm still there. But then I go to events and hang out with friends here and I remember I live here and this is my life now. I think that I struggle because I still don't know where I'm going to be living in the long term, I still don't have a job in my field etc.

After the meltdown I had a bit of a wake-up call about how other people might view me (a little - ok a lot complain-y and prone to tears) and how I want people to see me (mostly cheerful and fun). I hate being in the waiting room of my own life but all this time that I think I'm waiting, life is still happening. I need to embrace the uncertainty and accept that my life is still in limbo and even if I was in Canada I could still be temping and looking for permanent work.

The countdown to Canada is 32 days - hoping some of these thoughts will be a little more resolved before then.